Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
