I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
