sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
