im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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