It's a beautiful day for a hangover
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
why is half of my head shaved?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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