My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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