I need to stop coming to work sober
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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