Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
