thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
