Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
