Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
