I feel like I'm in dance class right now
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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