from now on my penis is your penis
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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