I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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