Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
