Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
