Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
