you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
