I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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