its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize