Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
