Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
