I'm pants shitting drunk right now
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i think i just lost a toe
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
