I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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