Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
