His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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