so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
