No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
how drunk are you?
Several
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
