I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
