I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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