I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize