mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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