well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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