I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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