There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
