No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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