Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
