its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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