then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
