He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
