I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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