i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
