Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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