Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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