i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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