that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
