im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
and you fell through a lawn chair
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My feet surprised me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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