sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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