the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
