if i can run in heels then i can drive
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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