I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize