Non-Jews are for practice
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize