On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
