I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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