Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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