Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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