I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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