I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
