Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
