Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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