woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
