I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
