Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im holly from the hills drunk
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
