im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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